----- Forwarded message from Evan Prodromou ----- >>>>> "JB" == Jeff Bezos writes: JB> We're doing an important test at Amazon.com that we wanted you JB> to know about. Cool! I appreciate your time and effort in personally overseeing this project and making sure I'm kept abreast of the situation. Others may say you're getting too big for your britches, Jeff, but us here on the ground, where the action is, we know you're Amazon.com, heart and soul. True blue, baby! JB> It may be the most important experiment we've done to date. Holy crap! The most important experiment to date!!!! Perhaps it's anti-gravity books? Or CD-in-a-pill? Personal Amazon moon-car? JB> Starting today, as a long-term test, you can get Free Super JB> Saver Shipping on orders over $49. Previously, only orders JB> over $99 qualified. WHA...?! That's the MOST IMPORTANT EXPERIMENT TO DATE? A $50 drop in the qualifying price for free shipping? I dunno what the hell's going on there at Amazon.com Laboratories, Jeff, but, DUDE, you're paying those eggheads TOO MUCH. From any angle you look at it, this is a STUPID experiment. If I know those scientist types, they've probably been using the lab equipment to make club drugs during business hours, and playing Unreal Tournament on the Cray, and when they had to report their quarterly status, they popped out this "drop the qualifying price" thing and hoped they could sneak it past management. I might point out that your personal involvement in this project evinces an alarming lack of vision. I mean, how could you be snowed like this? Do you really think this is FABULOUS DOT-COM SCIENCE of the FUTURE or something? Dropping qualifying prices for comp deals? That's Reno science, my friend. That's Cal-Neva science. That's Winnemucca science. That's not how you get to be Time's Man of the Year two years running, Jeff. C'mon. I guess I'm just trying to give you some friendly advice, Jeff, since you took the time to write me this personal email. Let me be blunt, Jeff: you are betting on the WRONG HORSE. I can think of like 50 experiments that are better than this experiment. 500! EASY! What about... * TELEPORTING books directly to customers' laps? * 4-D HOLOPORN? * A good translation of that "To Serve Man" book? * Inflatable Banana Yoshimoto AI love dolls? I mean, the list goes on and on. These are EXPERIMENTS, Jeff. I think what you're describing is more like a "trial balloon." And you know what? NO DOT-COM has ever won the Nobel Prize for TRIAL BALLOONS. Look it up, you'll see I'm right. JB> This past January, we launched everyday, 365-days-a-year, Free JB> Super Saver Shipping on orders over $99, and it's been JB> successful. Customers have adopted it in large numbers (it JB> takes 3-5 days longer than our standard shipping, but it's JB> free), and its proven economically sustainable for us as JB> well. Blah blah blah. Jeff, it looks like you bought this load of baloney hook, line and sinker. LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Just stop for a second and listen to yourself. Do you believe ANY of this? JB> Reducing the ordering hurdle to $49 makes it much easier for JB> customers to get free shipping--more people will qualify and JB> qualify more often. It will also be very expensive for us. JB> That's why we're first doing it as a long-term test. We JB> expect to run this test for 3-6 months. Well be looking to JB> see if our current customers order more from us and whether we JB> attract a greater number of new customers since its so easy JB> to qualify for free shipping. The hope is well generate JB> enough new business to offset the cost. Dude, I know it was with personal feelings that you sent me this email and stuff, and I'm trying to slog through it, but I have to tell you that you're boring me to tears. You sound like a marketing wonk! You do! Really! And that's not the Jeff Bezos I know! That's not the Jeff Bezos who solicits my personal opinion on things. The Jeff Bezos *I* know is a VISIONARY. He's the ONE-EYED MAN, baby! He doesn't get caught up in this mincy-prancy N-months M-dollars hoohaw. That's for the LITTLE PEOPLE. That's for the functionaries and the sawdust people. I mean, the Jeff Bezos I know, he'd be in a meeting with some balding weirdo beancounters with green visors and arm-bands, who are droning on and on to him about the niggling details of this so-called experiment, and he'd be pretending to listen to them, and then he's stand up and say, "BOOKS FOR DOGS!" And the little people, they'd get all agitated and confused, because they don't understand VISION, Jeff, you have to show it to them, but Jeff Bezos, he'd continue, "Books for dogs! There are what, 380 million dogs in America today? Maybe 8-9 billion worldwide? North American pet-product sales -- what is it, $4 trillion per annum? We need a piece of that pie! And what better way than to sell BOOKS for DOGS to READ! YOU, STANLEY! Yes, you! Run with this idea! You've got my full authority to make it happen -- community canine literacy programs, drool-proof paper, get some celebrity dog writers like Rin Tin Tin and Benji. THE WORKS. Report to me in three weeks! And I want an Amazon.com product next to every dog bowl in this country when you get back!" See, that's the kind of thing Jeff Bezos does. JB> At the conclusion of the test, we'll let you know whether or JB> not we'll be able to make the new $49 hurdle permanent. Nice pussy wrap-up here, Jeff. This is the kind of bullshit waffling those OSTRICHES over at Barnes and Noble would pull. Barnes and Noble: "at the conclusion of this test..." Jeff Bezos: "DAMN THE CONSEQUENCES!!!!!!!" Can you see the difference? JB> In the meantime, for the next 3-6 months or so, please enjoy Free JB> Super Saver Shipping on orders over $49. (We've also recently JB> reduced product prices on many books, bestselling CDs, JB> bestselling DVDs, electronics, and tools.) Whether this JB> particular test works or not, you can count on us to be JB> relentless in finding ways to lower prices and provide more JB> value. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. >snork< Huh? What? Were you saying something, Jeff? For some reason I FELL ASLEEP IN MY CHAIR. JB> Thanks for your continuing support as a customer. Dude, listen: I'm here for you. I'll continue to buy books from Amazon.com, and if this "experiment" doesn't work out, you're welcome to come stay at my place for a few weeks till you get back on your feet. Also, listen: it was a good idea for you to run this concept past me before announcing it to the general public. I hope I've convinced you to really give it long hard look-over. At the very least, consider some way to work in lasers to the equation. Some science stuff, you know? Free laser pointer with free shipping! OK, it's not really that sciency, but right now we're doing damage control. We can run a post-mortem on the science process later. JB> Sincerely, JB> Jeff Bezos Founder & CEO Amazon.com Hey, so, I hope you don't mind if I just call you "Jeff", OK? You can call me "Evan" or even "Ev" or "The Evster" or whatever. Just feel free. JB> We hope you enjoyed receiving this message. Fuckin' A, I sure did! I'm sorry I had to write such a harsh reply, but I'm really worried that you're slipping man. Everybody has a bad day once in a while, and I figure this is just some slump time in the visionary quarter or something. But you gotta PULL out of it! Stick with me, man! We'll go far. Sincerely, ~ESP -- Evan Prodromou evan@prodromou.san-francisco.ca.us _______________________________________________ pigdog mailing list pigdog@pighaven.org http://mail.pighaven.org/mailman/listinfo/pigdog ----- End forwarded message ----- -- INFORMATION GLADLY GIVEN BUT SAFETY REQUIRES AVOIDING UNNECESSARY CONVERSATION end 01234567 <- The amazing* indent-o-meter! ^ (*: Indent-o-meter may not actually amaze.) _______________________________________________ CrackMonkey: Non-sequitur arguments and ad-hominem personal attacks http://crackmonkey.org/mailman/listinfo/crackmonkey